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BREAK FROM CEREBRALISM

December 15, 2009

Can't afford luxury? Improvise!

300 Reasons you might be a Redneck…

By Jeff Foxworthy

  •  You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
  • You ever cut your grass and found a car.
  • You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren’t.
  • You think the stock market has a fence around it.
  • Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
  • Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
  • You own a homemade fur coat.
  • Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. (What’s a chigger?  On second thought…don’t tell me!
  • You burn your yard rather than mow it. (In our case, we just kick the rocks out of the way and watch for scorpions!)
  • Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
  • You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
  • The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
  • You’ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
  • Birds are attracted to your beard.
  • Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
  • You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
  • You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
  • You’ve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.
  • Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
  • You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
  • You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
  • You clean your fingernails with a stick.
  • Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
  • You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
  • Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
  • Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
  • Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
  • You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
  • There are more than five McDonald’s bags in your car.
  • The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
  • There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
  • You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
  • The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
  • You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
  • You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
  • You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
  • You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
  • You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
  • Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
  • Your kids take a siphon hose to “Show and Tell.”
  • The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
  • You’ve ever bought a used cap.
  • Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
  • You pick your teeth from a catalog.
  • You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
  • You’ve ever stolen toilet paper.
  • You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
  • People hear your car a long time before they see it.
  • The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
  • You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
  • You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

 

Redneck dogs

Pure genius

Love the last pic!  My new B.B.Q. tool will be a rake.

Don’t ya’ love it?

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